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A new start?

August 26, 2016

Erm, its been nearly 2 years since i was last here! Where the hell did the time go? Since my last blog there’s been a fair bit going on, but I’m now back in a position where i want to use the blog as a public commitment to doing things. in fact I want to use it as a form of motivation in itself. So I better clear the decks and explain whats been going on:

Work
Its been massively up and down in the last 2 years. I’m still doing the same job, running several work based communities, but now feel I’m getting to grips with things. As ever stress levels are high due to lack of people to help me and high expectations around what I’m doing. Whats been hard to deal with is colleagues moving on as any ‘team’ feeling has evaporated and i feel pretty hung out to dry. Combine that with the fact that my management seem to still be holding my wibble against me and its not been the best working atmosphere. literally in the last week or so I’ve elected to try to ‘care’ less about work and am finding myself much calmer and more productive. I’ll let someone else worry about the big stuff, while i’m delivering what needs to happen

Mood
Well, it wasn’t depression. I think what I’ve been going through is garden variety anxiety and low self esteem. My moods can be absolutely earth shattering and change in an instant. At one point for around 6 months I was very stressed and had permanent mouth ulcers, pain in my tongue and hair loss. I’ve put back on 3 of the 4 stone i lost and have no physical fitness. For many months I’ve not wanted to socialise but have made myself do things. I seem to have developed some kind of uber-PMT, where for days at a time i cry and cant get out of bed and its just debilitating. In fact I cry a lot. I’ve cried so much and so hard that I feel that tears are never far away, whatever I’m doing. The minute a conversation gets ‘complicated’ I’m off and cant help myself.

Romance
Well, this has been the killer. Turns out the lovely patient BF, Mr B, was married. I didn’t find out for nearly 2 years and only then by accident. He let me try to support him through prostate cancer in the process. Having figured out there was a wife I waited while he worked out what he wanted from life, while i figured out what i wanted. After a story that makes any EastEnders plot line look tame and boring i can honestly say its been a rough ride and we are no longer talking at all. Up until a fortnight ago this was devastating me, but now i feel like a diver who has come up for air. I feel optimistic for the first time in ages, but have major trust issues after all this drama

Hobbies
My big passion was diving. Last summer I came up from two of the easiest UK dives I’ve ever done and had a skin bend. Fast forward a couple of months and i find out i have a PFO (hole in heart) and am now restricted from diving to the point its not worth doing it. I cant get it fixed on the NHS and don’t have ¬£15k to go private. So, basically diving and I have parted company and i need a new hobby

So, what next?

That’s a big question. There are so many areas of my life that need addressing that its quite daunting, but for the first time I feel able to think about it and deal with stuff. So, here’s whats on my list, in no particular order

  • Sort out my house – I have work to do in my living room with removing an awful gas fire and redoing flooring, plastering etc
  • Lose the weight i put back on
  • Start doing regular exercise
  • Find a new hobby
  • Go to more social events
  • Find someone I want to spend time with

Sounds simple when you say it like that doesn’t it. At least I’ve committed it to type now, so hopefully it’ll help me stick to doing something about it. More once I have a concrete plan for any part of this list ūüôā

Where did the last year go?

October 19, 2014

Hi there folks,

I cant believe its been over a year since my last post! Since then the road has been lumpy to say the least but things are much better than they were.¬† This post is a sort of ‘catch me up’ so that I can draw a line under things and start again. ¬†so excuse me if things are brief, but theres a fair bit of ground to cover.

Depression. I’m massively relieved to say it wasn’t.¬† I was in a very low place, was stupidly pressured at work and cracked under it.¬† What I really had and still do was anxiety.¬† This has left fingerprints all over my life, I’m now much more cautious than I was, quick tempered and easily spooked.¬† Depending on my mood, it can be really tough not to listen to the voice that says ‘you’re rubbish and you cant do it’.

Work.¬† I’m actually now doing the job that drove me bonkers full time.¬† ‘But that’s mad’ I hear you say! Yes, it is and I have regular spats of ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’,¬† but now there’s a team in place to share the load and generate ideas. So, despite being a scientist in the civil service I’m now a full time social community manager, which ironically involves regular blogging!

Love life.¬† After what felt like ages on dating sites I was contacted by a chap, who I immediately turned down on the grounds he lived too far away (Holland) and was a little bit older than me (16 years). Luckily, he was persistent and didn’t take no for an answer.¬† We’ve been seeing each other for 10 months now, mainly due to the wonders of Skype.¬†Not¬†being together¬†much is a challenge, but it makes the time I do have with the wonderful Mr B all the more precious.

Family.  Both my parents and my brother have bought new houses, so everything is change on that front.  My folks have taken to retirement like ducks to water and now have two beautiful cocker spaniels РI think they are in lieu of grandchildren.

Fitness.¬† I’ve spent the last year doing very little in the way of exercise as I have not felt up to it.¬† Have had a couple of abortive attempts at restarting c25k and I need to get back on the horse.¬† I’ve put back on about half the weight I lost, so I feel pretty podgy :-/. There are various hair brained schemes in the offing so I’ll pick them up in the course of my normal blogs

Doesn’t sound like a lot when I put it like that, but theres more than enough drama to keep me busy I can assure you :-).¬† That’s enough catching up, next blogs will be business as usual ūüôā

How I lost my way

September 7, 2013

I had a bit of a shock today. I think I’m starting to suffer with depression.

I’ve had a monumentally crappy month at work. A project requiring more resource than available has resulted in me working stupid hours (silly I know). So now I’m not sleeping well. I’m highly irritable, can’t talk to people without crying, can’t focus on anything and can’t organise my way out of a paper bag.

It was only when I thought it through that I realised that the irritability and personal stress levels have been like this for over a year.

Now I think about it, I haven’t ‘felt like myself’ for a long time. I’m avoiding social engagements and exercise, which for me is really not right. I’m the person at work who gets people joining in stuff (yes that annoying person), but I can’t be bothered now.

How did I miss this?

Having spent Thursday and Friday crying at work, having panic attacks and being sick I know ive got to deal with this before it gets any worse. Luckily my department manager is a great guy, but the thought of a conversation to tell him I can’t cope any more terrifies me. although that said, the thought of reading my email inbox does the same thing.:-(

At this point I’m not planning any bets on whether I get through Monday without crying, or actually finish the day. I’ll let you know how it goes

.

Juneathon Day 15 – Ta Daaaaaa, the photos arrive

June 15, 2013

Well, todays Juneathon is totally tenuous at best.¬† The only reason my pulse is racing and I’m breathing heavy is because the photos are here.¬† Considering I’ll be bouncing around all day tomorrow at Download I’m not too worried about taking today easy.

So, for those who have been waiting to see what I’ve been making so much fuss about here goes

my glam 1940's filmstar look. I'm ready for my close-up now

my glam 1940’s filmstar look.
I’m ready for my close-up now

A lady loves pearls

A lady loves pearls

_MG_2310 Hallam 130522 velv-50

seeking inspiration, or maybe just another glass of bubbly

_MG_2333 Hallam 130522 velv-50 new

learning the hard way that its not easy to pull up stockings with gloves on

_MG_2373 Hallam 130522 velv-50sat

how I spent most of the shoot – laughing

As you can see I had a great time on the day.¬† I loved how the pics turned out, its a very different way of seeing myself and strangely empowering.¬† The rest of the pics aren’t going to make it on here as they are rather more intimate, there are two ways you’d get to see them

  1. date me ūüôā
  2. visit my house, as one is being blown up for my bedroom wall (yes I know that’s cheesy)

Anyway, I’m off to pack for the festival.¬† Tata

Juneathon Day 14 – caught in the act

June 15, 2013

Even Pat is smirking at me

It’s the¬†end of a long and taxing week, what better way to relax and unwind than by Beyonce’ing my way round the living room doing a new Body Jam.

However, I was really getting into it and had forgotten that the blinds were open when a delivery courier came to the door with a parcel.¬† Judging by the smirk on his face as I signed for my parcel he saw whatever funky move I had been pulling at the time.¬† Either that or he was just stunned by how wonderful I look in my gym kit.¬† Actually, I’m pretty sure its the former, I can only hope it was a smirk of approval rather than derision.

Anyway, lesson learned

Juneathon totals;

  • Scuba diving –¬†357 mins
  • Pilates –¬†120 mins
  • Gym –¬†90 mins
  • Body Jam –¬†110 mins
  • Walking –¬†2 miles
  • Foam Rolling – 1 session

Juneathon Day 13 – Rollin’

June 13, 2013

keep rollin’, rollin’ rollin’

Not much to report today.¬† My Juneathon¬†effort had a Limp Bizkit theme – Rollin’.¬† Bit gutted as the Pilates class was full up tonight, so I resorted to stretching and foam rolling at home instead.

Tomorrow I’m back to the gym so I haven’t totally fallen off the wagon.

Some excellent news though, I should be able to pic up my photoshoot pics on Saturday.¬† I’ll put some on here and see what you think ūüôā

Juneathon totals;

  • Scuba diving –¬†357 mins
  • Pilates –¬†120 mins
  • Gym –¬†90 mins
  • Body Jam –¬†80 mins
  • Walking –¬†2 miles
  • Foam Rolling – 1 session

Juneathon Day 12 – chin up wonder

June 12, 2013

I look nothing like this, but can dream ūüôā

It’s not¬†often I’m ‘let out’ at work (there may be a good reason for that), but today I’ve been to a meeting in London. It’s a¬†minimum journey¬†of 90min¬†train and 30 mins tube each way to get to the office, so it’s a pretty long day.

After this snooze inducing trek, I had a cunning plan to help wake me up before my 9pm Apprentice rant. Said Blackadder-esque plan was to try out my gym program for the first time.

Having warmed up I optimistically headed straight for my most challenging bit of kit.¬† the chin up machine.¬† I figure that if I’m going to give it a good crack I need to do it first (my puny biceps need all the help they can get).¬† I’m proud to report I rocked¬†my chin-ups tonight! I may still¬†have only done 9, but this time I didn’t need assistance to get off the machine because my arms wouldn’t function :-).¬† I’m thinking on Friday or Saturday I’ll have a go at doing 10 and see how I go, although that may be ambitious as I have another Pilates torture session tomorrow night.

The rest of the session was a joy after meeting the initial challenge and I’m feeling pretty perky now, unlike when I walked into the gym.¬†So, having had my Slimming World lasagne¬†for dinner I’m now raring to rant at the muppets on the Apprentice.

Juneathon totals;

  • Scuba diving –¬†357 mins
  • Pilates –¬†120 mins
  • Gym –¬†90 mins
  • Body Jam –¬†80 mins
  • Walking –¬†2 miles
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