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Big decision – do I, dont I?

December 7, 2012

The whole theme of this blog is about me sorting out what I really want from life and working towards it.  Thus far I’ve chosen to deal with the ‘low hanging fruit’ by addressing physical issues such as health and fitness.  I hope you’ll agree that I’m making good progress in that direction. However, there are other areas of my life that need some attention.

Over the last year or so I’ve started to notice some fairly fundamental changes to very long held opinion.  I’ve always been very adamant that I don’t want children for a variety of reasons

  • I’m self centred and selfish
  • I am very bad with pain
  • Pregnancy always makes me think of Alien – and not in a good way
  • I hate the loss of individual identity that seems to happen, you are no longer ‘you’, but ‘insert babys name’ mother
  • I’m all about balance and equality and I’m really uncomfortable with the idea of someone being that dependent on you
  • What if I don’t love them?
  • I can barely look after myself, how the hell am I supposed to look after a baby?

I realise that these points are not entirely logical, but its been enough to keep me firmly on the ‘no thanks’ side of the fence for years.

As I said, I’ve started to wonder if I might not be wrong (or maybe just less right).  I guess part of it is about getting older, I’m 38 and so have a finite amount of time ahead of me.  Part of it is that I don’t want to be looking back at my life wondering what I missed out on because I chose to be inflexible and selfish. I do enjoy being around children more, which I never did before.

What makes this hard is that the BF is very clear that he doesn’t want children, its the only thing that is non-negotiable in his world.  I respect that, I can understand where he’s coming from.  I don’t think he understands why my opinion might be changing and for that I can only apologise.  A lot hinges on how I feel about having a family, the BF and I have been talking about moving in together for years and this may put a spanner in that set of cogs.  In fact if I do decide that children are something I can’t do without we would go our separate ways.  Harsh I know, but would we really want to resent each other because one persons needs were not being met?

So, I now have a decision that basically boils down to the BF or children.  Scary, but this sort of decision warrants it.  I’ve set myself a deadline of end of Jan to make my mind up either way.  I need a good run up to deal with this one to make sure both head and heart are going in the same direction. Will need to make sure I get some quality thinking time in over Christmas.

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