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How I lost my way

September 7, 2013

I had a bit of a shock today. I think I’m starting to suffer with depression.

I’ve had a monumentally crappy month at work. A project requiring more resource than available has resulted in me working stupid hours (silly I know). So now I’m not sleeping well. I’m highly irritable, can’t talk to people without crying, can’t focus on anything and can’t organise my way out of a paper bag.

It was only when I thought it through that I realised that the irritability and personal stress levels have been like this for over a year.

Now I think about it, I haven’t ‘felt like myself’ for a long time. I’m avoiding social engagements and exercise, which for me is really not right. I’m the person at work who gets people joining in stuff (yes that annoying person), but I can’t be bothered now.

How did I miss this?

Having spent Thursday and Friday crying at work, having panic attacks and being sick I know ive got to deal with this before it gets any worse. Luckily my department manager is a great guy, but the thought of a conversation to tell him I can’t cope any more terrifies me. although that said, the thought of reading my email inbox does the same thing.:-(

At this point I’m not planning any bets on whether I get through Monday without crying, or actually finish the day. I’ll let you know how it goes

.

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. September 7, 2013 9:43 pm

    NEV!! Sending you a big fat blog hug! I know exactly what you mean though I am witnessing the tide draw out ready for the tsunami to hit, sounds like you’re mid-tsunami). This is a temporary feeling, I’m sure, as we both know that you rock! xx

  2. September 7, 2013 9:54 pm

    Thanks sweetie, that means a lot. Sorry I dropped off the plot for a bit. I’m working my way round other people’s blogs to find out what they are up to and you were next on my list. Returning that blog hug, sounds like you need it too.

  3. September 9, 2013 9:02 pm

    Hey Nev, how did you get on today? X

    • September 9, 2013 9:38 pm

      Well, had a slight wibble – read I broke down crying in the office. Got sent to occupational health and then home. going to doctors tomorrow to see what they say. I’d say I’m likely to be signed off for a little while. Think I just need some time and perspective before going back. Feel strangely relieved that it’s now out of my hands 🙂

      • September 9, 2013 9:52 pm

        It is good that you are actively taking control of it. That is a very positive thing. I hope you get on ok with the doctor, and get some much needed (by the sounds of it) rest.

      • September 10, 2013 5:35 pm

        hiya tub. docs was good and ive been signed off for 2 weeks. im now at my folks chilling out planning stuff to keep me busy-ish. relieved that its out of my hands in all honesty :-).

  4. September 10, 2013 5:04 pm

    Nev, I hope you’re ok. Your post sung out to me (well it made me want to send you a bucket of positive vibes your way!) and I actually wanted to send you an e-mail (just because naturally it is a very personal issue) but I sadly couldn’t find your address! Anywho, I hope you found your GP helpful and glad that occ. health agree that you need some time to rest & recuperate. And just to say, in case you felt otherwise, that all those feelings you’re having doesn’t mean you have anything to blame yourself for e.g. missing things etc. And it is a normal response to a period of overwhelming stress to feel low and depressed, so don’t feel you are below-par or anything like that as Steph is right, you rock! Thank you for the courage for sharing, as often most people are too self-conscious to share such things xx

    • September 10, 2013 5:41 pm

      Hi Lucy, thanks for the kind words its much appreciated :-). ive got some hard lessons to learn about myself – that expecting perfection is silly and that i cant just keep accepting responsibility for stuff i cant control.
      still feel rubbish today, but im optimistic for when the sleep kicks in.
      once again. thank you x

      • September 11, 2013 8:41 pm

        Yes, perfection is an impossible (and cruel) goal, yet so many, if not all, of us keep striving to get it, but it will never come. Good luck with your journey in feeling better and self-acceptance, big hugs to you! x

  5. September 30, 2013 11:02 am

    Hey Nev…you’ve been on my heart. How are you doing? Missing you!

  6. June 9, 2014 11:50 am

    Hey there! Just dropping by to say hi, and that I hope you’re well (no pressure to reply, just touching base). Sorry to read that things weren’t so great before, but I hope they’re much better now (and continue to be). If at any time you decide to blog again, I look forward to it. Take care. x

    • October 19, 2014 1:24 pm

      Hi RubySneakers,
      Thank you for reminding me that I really should get back into this bloggy thing. I’ve missed it and the people I’ve met along the way.
      Life is better and rather complicated, but I’ll write more about all that 🙂
      Hope things are well with you and yours.
      See you soon
      Nev

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