A new start?

Erm, its been nearly 2 years since i was last here! Where the hell did the time go? Since my last blog there’s been a fair bit going on, but I’m now back in a position where i want to use the blog as a public commitment to doing things. in fact I want to use it as a form of motivation in itself. So I better clear the decks and explain whats been going on:

Work
Its been massively up and down in the last 2 years. I’m still doing the same job, running several work based communities, but now feel I’m getting to grips with things. As ever stress levels are high due to lack of people to help me and high expectations around what I’m doing. Whats been hard to deal with is colleagues moving on as any ‘team’ feeling has evaporated and i feel pretty hung out to dry. Combine that with the fact that my management seem to still be holding my wibble against me and its not been the best working atmosphere. literally in the last week or so I’ve elected to try to ‘care’ less about work and am finding myself much calmer and more productive. I’ll let someone else worry about the big stuff, while i’m delivering what needs to happen

Mood
Well, it wasn’t depression. I think what I’ve been going through is garden variety anxiety and low self esteem. My moods can be absolutely earth shattering and change in an instant. At one point for around 6 months I was very stressed and had permanent mouth ulcers, pain in my tongue and hair loss. I’ve put back on 3 of the 4 stone i lost and have no physical fitness. For many months I’ve not wanted to socialise but have made myself do things. I seem to have developed some kind of uber-PMT, where for days at a time i cry and cant get out of bed and its just debilitating. In fact I cry a lot. I’ve cried so much and so hard that I feel that tears are never far away, whatever I’m doing. The minute a conversation gets ‘complicated’ I’m off and cant help myself.

Romance
Well, this has been the killer. Turns out the lovely patient BF, Mr B, was married. I didn’t find out for nearly 2 years and only then by accident. He let me try to support him through prostate cancer in the process. Having figured out there was a wife I waited while he worked out what he wanted from life, while i figured out what i wanted. After a story that makes any EastEnders plot line look tame and boring i can honestly say its been a rough ride and we are no longer talking at all. Up until a fortnight ago this was devastating me, but now i feel like a diver who has come up for air. I feel optimistic for the first time in ages, but have major trust issues after all this drama

Hobbies
My big passion was diving. Last summer I came up from two of the easiest UK dives I’ve ever done and had a skin bend. Fast forward a couple of months and i find out i have a PFO (hole in heart) and am now restricted from diving to the point its not worth doing it. I cant get it fixed on the NHS and don’t have £15k to go private. So, basically diving and I have parted company and i need a new hobby

So, what next?

That’s a big question. There are so many areas of my life that need addressing that its quite daunting, but for the first time I feel able to think about it and deal with stuff. So, here’s whats on my list, in no particular order

• Sort out my house – I have work to do in my living room with removing an awful gas fire and redoing flooring, plastering etc
• Lose the weight i put back on
• Start doing regular exercise
• Find a new hobby
• Go to more social events
• Find someone I want to spend time with

Sounds simple when you say it like that doesn’t it. At least I’ve committed it to type now, so hopefully it’ll help me stick to doing something about it. More once I have a concrete plan for any part of this list 🙂

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